Sunday, February 28, 2010 2:17 AM
I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing I've made it
When it's all about You
It's all about You, Jesus -Heart of Worship
Thursday, February 25, 2010 4:22 AM
我找到了一句全世界最動聽的話;
15 March 2008
1:53am
1:54 AM
我不難過 這不算什麼
=)
"我喜歡你是我獨家的記憶 誰也不行從我這個身體中拿走你"
Tuesday, February 23, 2010 1:15 AM
Seems like it was just yesterday when I get up the moment the alarm rang and I can't wait to be the first to arrive in class and see the expression of everyone when they enter the classroom. Then I don't know why, I was down with a fever, went into a coma state and everything changes.
I didn't realise it when I woke up, it is when I step into school that I realised that those fun people around me turns to devil like people who came asking me what happen. I was sick, stuck in bed, I don't know what happen.
My best friend, once he was someone whom I really want to spend my life and even my next lifes to be best friends with. I walked in to SP with nothing. Then he brought me into this group, I devoted the most of me to my best friend and the group. To be beside them when they need me even when it's midnight. To be there ever ready to lend a hand. I was so thankful to my best friend that I want to give him all I can. He said his secondary schoolmates left him, so on his first birthday since I met him, I wanted to give him friends, not one, not two but a group. I wanted to tell him.... But it all doesn't matter now, cause I'd became part of those secondary school friends he had. The least I want to became but in the end I landed myself there and I don't know how did it all happened.
I want to forgive myself, but I don't know what wrong things I've done when I was sick. The inability to call my best friend to find out what happened when I was lying on the bed? or the fact that I was sick? I really don't know how to answer their questions. On one hand, I have to face those endless questions posed to me everyday after school, on the other hand, I have to comfort the person at the other end of the message. I have to clear the mess everyday, I don't know what I'm clearing, all I know is to settle those people with their questions so that they don't view my best friend as a heartless guy. But, do you all know, I don't even have the time to ask my best friend how was his life and my best friend was no where to be seen. See that pun over there? People ask where did my best friend goes but they just don't believe that I don't know anything. I didn't blame my best friend for anything, not even when he just left me there in the mess he created, not even when he announced to the world that he likes it when I don't trust him. No matter what he do, I give him all my trust as I promised when the friendship started. But what I realised was that those people that we know posed a great threat to our friendship, the more they thinks I know must have known and the more they ask about him. I starts to doubt the friendship, do I really know my best friend? Am I really my best friend's best friend? Then I know, to save the friendship between me and my best friend, I have to maintain a distance from them. I don't want to give them a chance to break the relationship that I cherish most.
I asked myself what really happened. At first I thought it was because I didn't really hold on well to the friendship before I was sick, therefore I let our friendship to crack. Then I decided to hold on it well and make sure it don't slip off this time. But in the end, I left SP with nothing. I've lost. i've lost everything but it all doesn't matters, what it hurt me most everyday is that I've lost the relationship that I was so prepared to hold on for life. The moment I thought of the lost, tears just flows down. The lost of a best friend, you experience it before? It's just like a lost of a family member whom you knew since young. The one that you thought he knows you best, when you can't figure out what's happening and he is always the one whom show you the way. The one you are in the same boat with and you know when thunderstorm comes, he will surely be there to hold on to you. Then suddenly one day, he was gone. Just like the wind, gone. You don't have the time to react, no preparation, nothing. The lost of this friendship hurts more than the lost of Wonyoung. And now I believe the person who once told me that I treat friends much better than boyfriend. I show more care, more concern and friends comes right after my family. My best friend is my family, he is part of my family. He is one of my siblings that I never wanted to lose.
The moment I see him walking with those people that was a threat to our friendship, I feel the pain. The pain just grasp my heart and it was so painful that I feel like telling it to my best friend before I sleep. But I've forgotten, my best friend is gone. Suddenly, I got no one to turn to. No one to be there listening to me and show me the way and lead me to a different angle and see things from a different view. My best friend no longer reply my message, no longer picks up my call. My best friend is gone. I don't know who to tell and then one day, while clearing my files in my computer, I saw a folder containing conversations. I found the ones that I had with my best friend and I was addicted to reading it everyday. Like taking drugs, I use it to maintain imaginary conversations with my best friend, like nothing ever happened. I tell everything to the best friend in my memories and then I'll look through files over files to find for a reply that can answer my questions. My best friend became a memory, someone in my heart whom sometimes I can't even remember how he looks like but his words never left me, not even one second.
And today, even when we became strangers, I hold on to those promises and hopes he once wanted us to complete together. I study everyday, hoping that he will too. I goes to school everyday even when I woke up late, hoping that he will too. I go to church every Sunday, hoping that he will too. I went to the God he wanted us to walk towards together. I continued with piano, hoping that he will continue with his violin. I work towards a 3.5 everyday, hoping that he will too. So many things he wanted us to do together, and now all I can do is to complete them all by myself and the more I get nearer to those goals, the more it hurts me.
The talk that he said he wanted to have with pastor before I went overseas last december. The last phone call we had. The fact when January begins, I know that it's not going to happen. My best friend, if he really wants to do something, he can't wait to accomplish it. The fact that it's January means he is not going to do it anymore. A talk which he said he wanted and I wanted to gave to him is not coming true. But I dreamt about it last saturday night. As a third party, I saw pastor, him and me sitting at a cafe talking. I can't hear what they were talking about, I was outside the cafe but just that image alone, warms my heart so much. I was really happy for the two sitting down there.
I became part of the secondary school friends, those friend of his who up till today I don't understand why they want to let go of such a great friend's hands.
I let go of my best friend's hands, cause I want him to be happy. Because I want to see the smile that I had in my memory, the smile he always gave when he is really happy. I don't know how to explain it, but I know the type of smile he would give when he is really happy. For the past one year, I never got the chance to see it and so I let go of his hands. I love that smile, and I can't bare to see it not happening again. My best friend..
My best friend is gone, no where to be found.
Didn't leave a message, didn't leave a note, not even a bye.
My handsome dog is gone. He's dead.
Can you give me back all the things that belongs to me? Can money buy them? Can I give you money in exchange for what you have snatched from me? What have I done wrong? I didn't harm your family, I don't even know you, I don't even realise your existence. Why take away all my things? I did nothing to you. Can you just give me back? Imagine someone you don't know just came running in to your life and create a mess and take away the family member that you cherish so much. I really want back my friendship, can I buy back from you?
Friday, February 19, 2010 8:13 AM
Fuck.
I must be mad last night.
So I don't get drunk when I drink, I get drunk when I'm having a fever.
Thursday, February 18, 2010 11:12 PM
i feel like eating corn. not those corn in a cup with salt and butter. is those real corns with leaves still on them, then you steam them in a pot/wok. sweetness.
imaging that alone can make me smile already.. =)
Saturday, February 13, 2010 10:56 PM
some times
we reaches part of our life
things seem to be moving on
we are walking
but we arent moving
so its time to ask ourself why
find back our purpose
and pursure our dreams
to live life to the fullest
u can blame what u have been thru for the past 18 years
or u can enjoy whats ahead of u
and face each day as a fresh start
and start of the day by giving thx to God that ur alive toda
and u can see colours
u can hear nice songs
u can smell nice scent from flowers
Wednesday, February 10, 2010 12:12 AM
沒那麼簡單
就能找到 聊得來的伴
尤其是在
看過了那麼多的背叛
總是不安 只好強悍
沒那麼簡單
就能去愛 別的全不看
變得實際
也許好也許壞各一半
不愛孤單 一久也習慣
感覺快樂就忙東忙西
感覺累了就放空自己
別人說的話 隨便聽一聽
自己作決定
不想擁有太多情緒
一杯紅酒配電影
在周末晚上 關上了手機
舒服窩在沙發裡
過了愛作夢的年紀
轟轟烈烈不如平靜什麼都不懂的年紀
曾經最掏心
所以最開心
曾經想念最傷心
但卻最動心
的記憶Was having the usual birthday talk with lee junhao that day over the phone.
He was my first karaoke mate and probably that was why we always fall in love for the same songs and the qualities that we look for in a song are very similar.
Its not the melody that we are looking for, its the words that matter most.
We'll get attracted to a particular song because of the lyrics, and just one sentence is enough to make us fall for the particular song.
It doesn't requires the full lyrics, just a sentence written it is enough to describe your feelings. Just a sentence, it is enough to bring back endless memories.
It is not about the intention and the story that the person who wrote the lyrics was trying to bring across.
It is about how you relate to the lyrics in your own way, in your own story.
A powerful song is enough to kill with a sentence.
After that particular sentence that grabs your attention, the melody of the song comes into the picture.
The melody accompanied with the images that are flashing in your mind and that is how scary a song can be.
Therefore, sometimes, I stop myself from listening to music.
Lee junhao was sharing with me the new song sang by Yoga, 心酸.
Yeah, just the sentence at the beginning which wrote "时间的伤 翻云覆雨了什么 从我手中 夺走了什么", is enough to set me thinking about the things that happened and how they had changed me.
What Yoga sings after that, doesn't really matters anymore.
Time.
We talk about how we have grown and the little things that has happened these 8 years.
Until today, I can't help it but to think of LeeJunHao everytime when I hear “他一定很愛你”.
It was once his favourite song and he sings that song everyday.
Memories.
Time.
In the past, I have this special fond for "第一時間“ and "我們的歌”.
I wanted to have the kind of bond that they mention in their songs, and I believe that I can do those actions mentioned and I believed that I can find someone else who can do those too.
After so many things, I finally understand that what F4 and LeeHom sang are all just, sadly, bullshit.
They are just imaginary things that doesn't exist.
IngIng is not a good friend, not anymore.
IngIng is not the best, not anymore.
IngIng is not a miracle, not anymore.
Sunday, February 7, 2010 2:45 AM
Planned to camp at SK's house tonight and get myself drunk to the MAX but my dear bro, Kel, was sick and plan was cancelled last minute. S.A.D~ Such a good timing to get drunk cause we finally finished our FYP and I got nothing on tomorrow. awww....
Then near 11pm, Andrew called and I landed myself in tpy again with the 3 Xiao brothers.
Thursday, February 4, 2010 10:48 PM
最掏心所以最開心 , 曾經
好好的一句話為甚麼要在後面加句 “曾經” 呢？
想念最傷心但卻最動心的記憶
