Seems like it was just yesterday when I get up the moment the alarm rang and I can't wait to be the first to arrive in class and see the expression of everyone when they enter the classroom. Then I don't know why, I was down with a fever, went into a coma state and everything changes.
I didn't realise it when I woke up, it is when I step into school that I realised that those fun people around me turns to devil like people who came asking me what happen. I was sick, stuck in bed, I don't know what happen.
My best friend, once he was someone whom I really want to spend my life and even my next lifes to be best friends with. I walked in to SP with nothing. Then he brought me into this group, I devoted the most of me to my best friend and the group. To be beside them when they need me even when it's midnight. To be there ever ready to lend a hand. I was so thankful to my best friend that I want to give him all I can. He said his secondary schoolmates left him, so on his first birthday since I met him, I wanted to give him friends, not one, not two but a group. I wanted to tell him.... But it all doesn't matter now, cause I'd became part of those secondary school friends he had. The least I want to became but in the end I landed myself there and I don't know how did it all happened.
I want to forgive myself, but I don't know what wrong things I've done when I was sick. The inability to call my best friend to find out what happened when I was lying on the bed? or the fact that I was sick? I really don't know how to answer their questions. On one hand, I have to face those endless questions posed to me everyday after school, on the other hand, I have to comfort the person at the other end of the message. I have to clear the mess everyday, I don't know what I'm clearing, all I know is to settle those people with their questions so that they don't view my best friend as a heartless guy. But, do you all know, I don't even have the time to ask my best friend how was his life and my best friend was no where to be seen. See that pun over there? People ask where did my best friend goes but they just don't believe that I don't know anything. I didn't blame my best friend for anything, not even when he just left me there in the mess he created, not even when he announced to the world that he likes it when I don't trust him. No matter what he do, I give him all my trust as I promised when the friendship started. But what I realised was that those people that we know posed a great threat to our friendship, the more they thinks I know must have known and the more they ask about him. I starts to doubt the friendship, do I really know my best friend? Am I really my best friend's best friend? Then I know, to save the friendship between me and my best friend, I have to maintain a distance from them. I don't want to give them a chance to break the relationship that I cherish most.
I asked myself what really happened. At first I thought it was because I didn't really hold on well to the friendship before I was sick, therefore I let our friendship to crack. Then I decided to hold on it well and make sure it don't slip off this time. But in the end, I left SP with nothing. I've lost. i've lost everything but it all doesn't matters, what it hurt me most everyday is that I've lost the relationship that I was so prepared to hold on for life. The moment I thought of the lost, tears just flows down. The lost of a best friend, you experience it before? It's just like a lost of a family member whom you knew since young. The one that you thought he knows you best, when you can't figure out what's happening and he is always the one whom show you the way. The one you are in the same boat with and you know when thunderstorm comes, he will surely be there to hold on to you. Then suddenly one day, he was gone. Just like the wind, gone. You don't have the time to react, no preparation, nothing. The lost of this friendship hurts more than the lost of Wonyoung. And now I believe the person who once told me that I treat friends much better than boyfriend. I show more care, more concern and friends comes right after my family. My best friend is my family, he is part of my family. He is one of my siblings that I never wanted to lose.
The moment I see him walking with those people that was a threat to our friendship, I feel the pain. The pain just grasp my heart and it was so painful that I feel like telling it to my best friend before I sleep. But I've forgotten, my best friend is gone. Suddenly, I got no one to turn to. No one to be there listening to me and show me the way and lead me to a different angle and see things from a different view. My best friend no longer reply my message, no longer picks up my call. My best friend is gone. I don't know who to tell and then one day, while clearing my files in my computer, I saw a folder containing conversations. I found the ones that I had with my best friend and I was addicted to reading it everyday. Like taking drugs, I use it to maintain imaginary conversations with my best friend, like nothing ever happened. I tell everything to the best friend in my memories and then I'll look through files over files to find for a reply that can answer my questions. My best friend became a memory, someone in my heart whom sometimes I can't even remember how he looks like but his words never left me, not even one second.
And today, even when we became strangers, I hold on to those promises and hopes he once wanted us to complete together. I study everyday, hoping that he will too. I goes to school everyday even when I woke up late, hoping that he will too. I go to church every Sunday, hoping that he will too. I went to the God he wanted us to walk towards together. I continued with piano, hoping that he will continue with his violin. I work towards a 3.5 everyday, hoping that he will too. So many things he wanted us to do together, and now all I can do is to complete them all by myself and the more I get nearer to those goals, the more it hurts me.
The talk that he said he wanted to have with pastor before I went overseas last december. The last phone call we had. The fact when January begins, I know that it's not going to happen. My best friend, if he really wants to do something, he can't wait to accomplish it. The fact that it's January means he is not going to do it anymore. A talk which he said he wanted and I wanted to gave to him is not coming true. But I dreamt about it last saturday night. As a third party, I saw pastor, him and me sitting at a cafe talking. I can't hear what they were talking about, I was outside the cafe but just that image alone, warms my heart so much. I was really happy for the two sitting down there.
I became part of the secondary school friends, those friend of his who up till today I don't understand why they want to let go of such a great friend's hands.
I let go of my best friend's hands, cause I want him to be happy. Because I want to see the smile that I had in my memory, the smile he always gave when he is really happy. I don't know how to explain it, but I know the type of smile he would give when he is really happy. For the past one year, I never got the chance to see it and so I let go of his hands. I love that smile, and I can't bare to see it not happening again. My best friend..
My best friend is gone, no where to be found.
Didn't leave a message, didn't leave a note, not even a bye.
My handsome dog is gone. He's dead.
Can you give me back all the things that belongs to me? Can money buy them? Can I give you money in exchange for what you have snatched from me? What have I done wrong? I didn't harm your family, I don't even know you, I don't even realise your existence. Why take away all my things? I did nothing to you. Can you just give me back? Imagine someone you don't know just came running in to your life and create a mess and take away the family member that you cherish so much. I really want back my friendship, can I buy back from you?
