Memories of the four of them came back this past week.
Was walking from Clark Quay to Cityhall last Friday, memories caught me unprepared. Kelvin, Ben and me. We once walked the same route and the 2 guys start talking about their dream. Kelvin, nah it's a pek, a pek and Ben said they want that particular 3 buildings near the bridge to have our own professional looking photos to be rolled down from the top. Although my mouth kept criticizing them that their dream was ridiculous, but deep down in my heart, I hold a possibility that it will come true because they are Kelvin Ho and Ben Huang.
Kept having flash backs these few days.
Kelvin will message me when the train leaves Jurong East station and I'll meet him at the last cabin. =)
We will gossip all the way until we meet Ben, most probably it's Cityhall. =)
Then the three of us will spend our time together. The 2 guys will be having their nonsense and I'll be there suan-ing them. Although I always show them a 'whatever face', but they never once failed to warm my heart and every of their nonsense makes me really happy inside. =)
Oh, sometimes Singkiat will join us when he got the feel and when his emo feels arises. Oh, and sometimes Singkiat can give the 3 of us a shock that we don't know how to react for a moment. =)
We'll go sing Kbox 2 times a week, play pool everyday, watch all the movies showing, play bowling and just slack around the town. =)
We'll part at Cityhall and Ben will be the only one travelling East, I will be with the other 2 guys travelling West. Ben will pull my hand when the escalators meet. =)
Or probably, it's time to stayover at Singkiat's home. I can't join them for sure, but the 3 guys will sure accompany me till at least 9pm. Or the other way round, I'll accompany Kelvin and Singkiat until Ben is back from packing. =)
Or maybe they'll come over to my house and stayover when my family is back in Batam. =)
Then when I get home, I'll continue my chat with the 3 guys via MSN and sometimes, Kelvin and me will be on the phone discussing about what to do next and test out what will happen. =)
I really miss the four of you.
And today on the way back, memory flashbacks caught me unprepared again. I asked myself, what if there's really next life?
Then I'll make sure that, I will not for Ruth give up Singkiat. I will not for Shiqi give up on Kelvin. I will not for the whole group give up on the 2 of them.
That time, it didn't incurred to me that the happiest moment was spent with the 3 of them. My fault.
2 months ago, Kelvin told me something that I didn't know for the past year, something Singkiat asked Kelvin. I feel so sad over it. Then I forced myself to drink and get the courage one of the night and I messaged Singkiat telling him how sorry I am. And I want to say again tonight, Singkiat I'm sorry.
When 3 left 1, I don't want to lose Ben. I told him before, one night at Outrum, don't leave me and disappear like Kelvin and Singkiat did. But at that I'm so sure there's something I cannot do, and that thing that I can't force myself to do will hinder our friendship. After considering about it and before we start to struggle, I told Ben let's give up. He didn't want to. And now when I really can't give up anymore, he'd gave up.
I really can't force myself to break my own rules and force myself to do something I hate, but Ben said don't give up, so I decided to do something I dislike, I decided to close one eye. To just see what I want, to just hear what I want. But it all didn't help. I don't want history to repeat this time and I decided firmly that I will not, this time for the group or for anyone give up on Ben. I don't want Ben to be another Singkiat or Kelvin.
But in the end, I lose Ben. Why he give up without tell me and give up when I already can't. Why didn't he just let me go when I ask him to. Why he let me go now, when I already can't?
Every step I took was all mistakes.
Nothing is right.
I kept reveling these things here recently, cause I have no more Kelvin or Ben to share to now.
Oh no, probably this is one of the daily essays that Ben requires me to submit to him every night before 0000hrs. Ben knows every problem I'm facing cause he trained me to make it a habit to report them to him every night. Ben never fails to comfort me and makes me sleep well for the night. Sometimes he will give me answers to my problems and when things gets out of hand, he always tells me to leave everything to him.
I'm going back to viao and find what Ben says about today's essay.
