When we meet again, we'll probably talk about the weather, cause that's what people do when they grow apart.
請告訴我暫停算不算放棄？
Because people lie, things change, partners cheat, and best friends ditch.
HE IS NOT THE PERSON YOU ONCE KNEW. BELIEVE IT, PLEASE.
one of my text: the change-response of those who are bereaved by the passing of a close friend or family member. the 7 steps are: 1. a process of realization, ie.the way in which de bereaved person moves from denial/avoidance of recognition of de loss 2wards acceptance. 2. an alarm of reaction - anxiety, restlessness, and the psychological accompaniments of fear. 3. an urge to search for and find the lost person in some form. 4. anger and guilt, including outbursts directed against those who press the bereaved person toward premature acceptance of his loss. 5. feelings of internal loss of self or mutilation. 6. identification phenomena-de adoption of traits, mannerisms or symptoms of de loss person, w or w/o a sense of his presence within de self 7. pathological variants of grief, ie. the reaction may be excessive and prolonged or inhibited and inclined to emerge in distorted form. it is crucial to remember that for every change proposed or achieved, someone loses something (Harvey 1990).
我好想隨著輕輕的風輕輕的飄，歷經的傷都不感覺疼....
Going into heart-to-heart friendship is like giving some1 a gun & letting them point it at ur heart, & TRUSTING they won't pull the trigger.
如果你有天回頭什麼都不必說，只要靜靜坐在身旁讓風並肩吹過。
我背叛了自己，是為了要完全失去你。我背叛了回憶，因為我不想一切成為過去。 - 朱孝天
someone send me this "wounds from a friend can be trusted".
Throughout life you will meet one person who is unlike any other. You could talk to them for hours and never get bored, you could tell them things and they wont judge you. This person is your soulmate, your best friend. Don't ever let them go.
1 of the best parts of being a family is that u can encourage 1 another. U can believe in 1 another. U can affirm 1 another. ~ S.Covey
It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else. ~ Erma Bombeck
We were suppose to accomplish great things together.
I hate those past-tense up there.
I hate myself switching on the computer.
懦弱
Sunday, April 25, 2010 11:22 PM
Suddenly, the pain came back tonight.. I don't know why..
Probably....
because recently, too many people are trying to tear open and look inside my wound.
Just please stop. Please don't try to open up my heart and see what's inside. The thought of the act reminds me of someone and reminds me of the memories..
So what's the problem that I've changed?
So what's the problem that I don't talk like I used to do?
So what's the problem that I don't laugh like that past?
So what's the problem that I don't smile like the past?
SO WHAT'S THE PROBLEM ABOUT ME 很努力的讓自己快樂？
因為我學到太容易得到的快樂並不會長久
因為那是別人借我的
拿回去了就沒了
my best friend, he trust me over the rumors.
10:43 PM
My best friend is someone whom when I tell other people:
“就算他要分手也不會那麼快的。 因為這麼難才能在一起， 他也有男人的尊嚴的。”
(I remembered that sentence clearly, how I phrase it and the tone I said it because I was trying to convince other people that my best friend is not a bad guy. I said it twice.)
and when people misunderstand that sentence and tell him:
"now you are not breaking up because of your pride"
he will chose to trust me rather than other people.
Just like how I trust him over other people.
And of course my best friend is clear about my principle from the start:
"the closer the person is to me, I won't be close with their partner."
Because I am clear how 同情心氾濫 I am. So to prevent any problems that will arise in the future, I make clear lines with their partner, so that their problems won't be mine and my friend's.
Of course along the poly life, I didn't stand strong with my principle thrice and I made friends with my friends partner.
One is inevitable because the 3 of us are classmate.
Second is because the partner happens to be my friend's best friend and the 同情心氾濫 me, in the end 同情心氾濫 again and again.
Third is because I got no choice, she happens to be my group mate.
Oh what's that fan page over at facebook?
Right that "Relationships And Friendships Get Ruined Because Of Rumors.."
I'm joining that fan page....
And I feel like telling those people who don't know the existence of this blog,
please don't try to open up my heart
because
just the thought of it makes me feel tired and disgusted.
Sometimes, I can be so certain that if I was really thrown to the opposite lane last thursday morning, I would be happier.
Sorry Mt,
Wednesday, March 17, 2010 1:20 AM
I was looking through files then I realized that you asked me to hear 真的吗？by Yoga, and it took me 1year and 8months to realized that. You said this song of his suit me....
It's not like what they'd say. You didn't take me for granted. All along I was the one taking you for granted. And it's the moment I lose you that I realized that I never once told you or express to you how much I cherish you, never once through words or my mouth admitted that you are my best friend. I only starts telling you how I cherish and how important you are in my life when things starts to turn bad. It's too late to you isn't it.. After reading so many files these months that I found out that you are always the one saying great things to me, showing me how you care about me, you are even and always the one who said I'm your best friend. Why I didn't tell you that you are my best friend? Why I didn't show you care in the past? Why I never did anything for you? Why I never do anything for you? I never even said thank you once. For all the wonderful things you had done for me, I never once said thank you. I never once admit how important are you. You are always the one doing things, telling me what am I to you but I never did once.
They are wrong. You didn't take me for granted, I'm the worst person in this world who kept taking you for granted.
Times of my life.
Sunday, March 14, 2010 1:22 AM
Memories of the four of them came back this past week.
Was walking from Clark Quay to Cityhall last Friday, memories caught me unprepared. Kelvin, Ben and me. We once walked the same route and the 2 guys start talking about their dream. Kelvin, nah it's a pek, a pek and Ben said they want that particular 3 buildings near the bridge to have our own professional looking photos to be rolled down from the top. Although my mouth kept criticizing them that their dream was ridiculous, but deep down in my heart, I hold a possibility that it will come true because they are Kelvin Ho and Ben Huang.
Kept having flash backs these few days.
Kelvin will message me when the train leaves Jurong East station and I'll meet him at the last cabin. =) We will gossip all the way until we meet Ben, most probably it's Cityhall. =) Then the three of us will spend our time together. The 2 guys will be having their nonsense and I'll be there suan-ing them. Although I always show them a 'whatever face', but they never once failed to warm my heart and every of their nonsense makes me really happy inside. =) Oh, sometimes Singkiat will join us when he got the feel and when his emo feels arises. Oh, and sometimes Singkiat can give the 3 of us a shock that we don't know how to react for a moment. =) We'll go sing Kbox 2 times a week, play pool everyday, watch all the movies showing, play bowling and just slack around the town. =) We'll part at Cityhall and Ben will be the only one travelling East, I will be with the other 2 guys travelling West. Ben will pull my hand when the escalators meet. =) Or probably, it's time to stayover at Singkiat's home. I can't join them for sure, but the 3 guys will sure accompany me till at least 9pm. Or the other way round, I'll accompany Kelvin and Singkiat until Ben is back from packing. =) Or maybe they'll come over to my house and stayover when my family is back in Batam. =) Then when I get home, I'll continue my chat with the 3 guys via MSN and sometimes, Kelvin and me will be on the phone discussing about what to do next and test out what will happen. =)
I really miss the four of you.
And today on the way back, memory flashbacks caught me unprepared again. I asked myself, what if there's really next life? Then I'll make sure that, I will not for Ruth give up Singkiat. I will not for Shiqi give up on Kelvin. I will not for the whole group give up on the 2 of them.
That time, it didn't incurred to me that the happiest moment was spent with the 3 of them. My fault.
2 months ago, Kelvin told me something that I didn't know for the past year, something Singkiat asked Kelvin. I feel so sad over it. Then I forced myself to drink and get the courage one of the night and I messaged Singkiat telling him how sorry I am. And I want to say again tonight, Singkiat I'm sorry.
When 3 left 1, I don't want to lose Ben. I told him before, one night at Outrum, don't leave me and disappear like Kelvin and Singkiat did. But at that I'm so sure there's something I cannot do, and that thing that I can't force myself to do will hinder our friendship. After considering about it and before we start to struggle, I told Ben let's give up. He didn't want to. And now when I really can't give up anymore, he'd gave up. I really can't force myself to break my own rules and force myself to do something I hate, but Ben said don't give up, so I decided to do something I dislike, I decided to close one eye. To just see what I want, to just hear what I want. But it all didn't help. I don't want history to repeat this time and I decided firmly that I will not, this time for the group or for anyone give up on Ben. I don't want Ben to be another Singkiat or Kelvin.
But in the end, I lose Ben. Why he give up without tell me and give up when I already can't. Why didn't he just let me go when I ask him to. Why he let me go now, when I already can't?
Every step I took was all mistakes. Nothing is right.
I kept reveling these things here recently, cause I have no more Kelvin or Ben to share to now.
Oh no, probably this is one of the daily essays that Ben requires me to submit to him every night before 0000hrs. Ben knows every problem I'm facing cause he trained me to make it a habit to report them to him every night. Ben never fails to comfort me and makes me sleep well for the night. Sometimes he will give me answers to my problems and when things gets out of hand, he always tells me to leave everything to him.
I'm going back to viao and find what Ben says about today's essay.
profile
I’m selfish, impatient, and a little insecure.
I make mistakes, I am out of control,
and at times hard to handle.
Honesty is the best policy! Leave the credits alone!
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